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self esteem handouts guide

Adultery As Sexual Addiction
By Dr. Robert Huizenga, Sat Dec 10th

I outline 7 kinds of affairs in my E-book, "Break Free From theAffair." One affair, "I Can't Say NO!" is characterized byaddictive tendencies. Infidelity (as well as pornography, stripclubs, online chatting, compulsive masturbation, etc.) may be apart of the sexual addiction.

Often the spouse or partner of a sexually addicted personintuitively knows of the addiction and the struggle his/herpartner has with the behavior.

The partner often "feels for" his/her partner and is in a greatquandary about staying in the marriage or leaving the marriage.

If you are a person facing this dilemma or know of someone whois, here are some pointed questions to help move more quicklythrough the decision making process:

1. Do you really want to save the marriage or are you just plainworn out? Does it seem that it would be much easier to just putup and tolerate the crazy kind of behavior you bump into withhim? Are you emotionally fried and think of confronting him withyour feelings and thoughts of ending the marriage as jumpinginto more emotional turmoil?

2. Do you really want to save the marriage or do you think youshould hang in there for religious, moral or other "should"reasons? Most spouses who partner with those who can't say noare very conscientious people. Is that you? Do you want to dothe right thing? Are you willing to continue feeling thehumiliation and facing the dangers because you believe youshould stay in the marriage? Do convictions rather thanpractical and personal concerns dictate your decisions?

3. Do you really want to save the marriage or do you believe youshould stay to protect the children? Do you think you are theonly spouse who can care for the children? (You may be.) Ormaybe your spouse cares deeply for the children and is a goodparent. (That may be also.) Do you think that ending themarriage would make life immeasurably worse for your children?Do you fear for their welfare if you confront his behavior?

4. Do you really want to save the marriage or do you seeabsolutely no way out and are resigned to this marriage? You mayexperience a powerful pervasive feeling of being stuck. You maybelieve that you

have tried everything and that it is in thebest interest of everyone to stay where you are. Couple yourweariness with your sense of being stuck and you may tolerate agreat deal of disappointment and pain for the sake of themarriage.

5. Do you really want to save the marriage or do you seeyourself as incapable of getting out? Your self-esteem may be atrock bottom. You may think of yourself as incapable of startingover, incapable of starting a new relationship, incapable ofmaking the transition to a new life and incapable of makingdecisions on your own. It is not unusual for the spouse ofsomeone who can't say no to lose her sense of dignity andself-respect as he attempts to control, intimidate and dictate.

6. Do you really want to save the marriage or do you need toprotect him? Do you see beyond what is there to him basicemptiness and fear? It's there and you know it? Perhaps you fearwhat might happen to him if you do indeed leave? Will he be ableto cope? What destructive path might he take next? So you hangin there, aware of his underlying pain and hope some day it willbe addressed.

7. Do you really want to save the marriage or do you live in thefear that if you talk about leaving you will face danger?Perhaps you might face violence? You might face the emotionalgame playing at a new level of intensity? Does it seem wiser tohold back, not confront, not move toward change for fear of whathe might say or do? Do you sometimes feel frozen with fear?

8. Do you really want to save the marriage or have you given nothought to how you might start over? This is a little differentthan the fear of starting over. Perhaps your life has been sowrapped around his or the care of your children that you havegiven little, if any, thought to you. Have you thought of yourdesires, your skills, your dreams, your hopes and your futureapart from him? Or, apart from your children?

Take some time to seriously and thoughtfully address thesequestions. Once you do, you may experience a new found freedomto act and move in new ways.

About the author:Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundredsof couples over the past two decades heal from the agony ofextramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his websiteat: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com

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