Managing Monsters In Meetings - Part 7, Personal Attacks
By Steve Kaye, Sat Dec 10th

Personal attacks hurt people, mar communication, and endcreativity. If they become part of a meeting's culture, theydrive the participants into making safe and perhaps uselesscontributions.

Approach 1: Speak to the group

Set the stage for the group to enforce its culture by making ageneral comment. Look at the middle of the group and say:

"Just a moment. Let's pause here to calm down. I can tell we'reupset about this. And we want to find a fair solution foreveryone." (Take slow deep breaths and relax to model calmingdown.)

After saying this, pause a moment to let the group respond.Often, someone else will support your request. Then continue asif everything were normal.

Avoid looking at the attacker when speaking to the group. Makingeye contact acknowledges and returns power to the attacker.

Approach 2: Explore for the cause

Sometimes people throw insults from behind a fence of presumedsafety. You can disrupt this illusion by saying:

"Chris, you seem upset with that."

"Pat, you seem to disagree."

"You seem to have reservations about this."

I realize these statements may sound like naive responses to aninsult. However, such understated responses improve thesituation because they sound less threatening, feel easier todeliver, and preserve the other person's self-esteem. Realizethe attacker may have viewed the attack less seriously than itsounded.

These statements also transfer the focus from the target to theattacker's feelings. And this is what you need to talk about inorder to resolve the dispute.

After you speak, continue to look at the attacker and wait forthe person to talk about what caused the attack.

If

the attack continues, interrupt with:

"Excuse me, we need to respect each other. And I wonder whatmakes you feel upset over this."

"Excuse me, we heard that. Now, what makes you feel that way?"

"Excuse me, I'm interested in hearing what your concerns are."

Approach 3: Call a break

If verbal approaches fail to end the attacks, then call a breakor end the meeting. This will give you a chance to meetprivately with the attacker, rewrite the agenda, rebuildcommunication, and (if appropriate) schedule another meetingwithout the attacker.

You could say,

"We seem to be at an impasse. I want to take a break so we canall calm down."

"This hostility makes it impossible to get any work done. So,I'm adjourning the meetings. We'll work on this later and thenreconvene at another time."

Note that some people use anger to force others to cooperatewith them. If you adjourn the meeting, you will have to meetwith the attacker to resolve the conflict.

"We need to work on this outside of the meeting. So let'sadjourn."

Use these techniques to restore a safe environment to yourmeeting.

Meetings are a forum for finding solutions, making decisions,and reaching agreements. When you apply these approaches todisruptions, you will maintain the productive environmentnecessary to accomplish your goals.

This is the seventh of a seven part article on Managing Monstersin Meetings.

About the author:IAF Certified Professional Facilitator and author Steve Kayeworks with leaders who want to hold effective meeting. Hisinnovative workshops have informed and inspired peoplenationwide. His facilitation produces results that people willsupport. Sign up for his free newsletter athttp://www.stevekaye.com. Call 714-528-1300 or visit his website for over 100 pages of valuable ideas.